Game Over

Very young I’d always watch as my brothers played video games, from halo to those scary ones our parents would never approve of. It was like watching a movie for me. I never much liked playing them myself. Watching other experienced players made it look so easy, as if anyone could play it and excel at it without much effort. Whenever I would play I would get so angry, so impatient as I could never be what others could, no matter how much practice. It’s the same as I live my life today. So conscious to how everyone swifts through their obligations like its nothing. I knew with my mentality it wasn’t so much my environment, it was always me that got in the way of success. I was not the Football player winning all his games, or the popular girl who only had to sit pretty to gain her admirers. I was the one who sat in the stands cheering for the success of others.

I never really let myself try too often, as the pressure i put so deeply into the need of avoiding failure, always resulted into my breaking apart, come the performance. I never hated that others could, I just hated that I could not. I hated that I could be anywhere, with anyone, doing anything and still be trapped in my station in life, because of my own mind. It was like watching others play this game. Each at a different level completing the requirements, allowing them to grow and adapt into something greater through time, effort and consistency. I am different though at this game. I'm lost with all these different tasks and problems coming from every direction, unable to decide which way to even turn. Like if I try to complete one, then another issue in which I turn my back on will catch me off guard, and just like that it's game over. How does one succeed at conquering their own mind, that’s rigged against them, at every possible angle and direction? I would simply just result to giving up and accepting that it will remain the same, until something or someone external from me,  dragged me out, finally acquiring freedom.

I was so focused on the issue in itself and the end goal of victory, that I could not see that the monster wasn’t made up of not being able to win, but it was that for some reason I cared so much at being the best and doing everything the perfect way, to notice it didn't even matter to begin with. I didn’t need to stop myself from being happy until I obtained the desired outcome. I just needed to let it go. I needed to be happy with what truly mattered, be in the present moment and be grateful for what I have now, so that I was no longer trapped by my own restrictions and unhealthy needs. I needed to look internally and fix what was in me, rather than look for the solution outside of me. I stopped living for the desire of an entertained audience of admirers and the need of recognition and praise. I no longer needed to be liked and surrounded by a large group of the shallow popular people I’ve always admired, when they could never amount to the truly amazing and reliable people I have in my life.

I didn’t have to have the prettiest face, the best body and a mesmerizing image to keep up. I didn’t need others to be on my side, I just needed to be on my own side, to avoid my darkness from suffocating me until I lost my way and will to resurface. I didn’t need to have a lot of money, I didn’t have to wait for all my issues to magically evaporate in order for me to be happy. I only had to look at things from a different angle, changing my perspective, by the way I think, in order to feel everything I’ve always had in me, that was simply just blocked, hiding internally, outside the path I previously faced. That’s the thing about games, you may fail and have to start over, but you can always pick yourself up and try new methods to handle and deal with the trouble ahead of you, in order for you to finally move on to the next level. I didn’t have to change the game, end it or change the character, I just had to take a chance and go through the unknown, to realize there was something there waiting for me all along.